DNC Autopsy Report: Tea Party Express to the Rescue
Sacramento, CA – Tea Party Express, the nation’s largest Tea Party political action committee, has come to rescue the Democratic National Committee (DNC) from their struggle to complete the 2014 DNC “autopsy report.”
Tea Party Express Executive Director Taylor Budowich said, “We are offering the following ‘chapter outline’ to assist the Democrats in completing their report – which has languished, as has the DNC’s fundraising, under the anemic leadership of its Chairwoman, Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
“It’s obvious that the DNC is still reeling from the absolute shellacking they received in 2014. They’ve been unable to identify the reasons for their losses, and like after most embarrassing losses, there is a whole lot of finger pointing going on. It’s tough to watch, so Tea Party Express wants to do for the Democrats what we did for the GOP: lend some unsolicited guidance.
“With election victories that have enabled Republicans to secure control of both houses of Congress and a near supermajority of state legislatures around the country, nothing is more capable of saving a party than the Tea Party movement. So here we are, lending an encouraging hand to Debbie and the DNC,” Budowich concluded.
CHAPTER 1: BE THE PARTY OF THE FUTURE
This is a big one folks. You have to be the party of the future. You already have the right messengers: Hillary Clinton is a young 67; Bernie Sanders is a little long in the tooth, but still a chipper 73; Joe Biden at 72 still makes the kiddies laugh/cringe; and Jim Webb, at 69, is like the Blackberry phone of the Democratic Party—BBM is still cool, right? Nothing screams “FUTURE!!!!” like these fresh faces.
CHAPTER 2: ATTACK THE ACHIEVING 1%, EXCEPT CHANGE THE NAME FROM KOCH BROTHERS TO TRUMP
Let’s face it. The whole “attack the Koch brothers” thing didn’t work out too well for you all. It was a bit overly ambitious to think you’d be able to get people to hate two guys that are donating billions to building hospitals, schools and arts facilities. Not to mention that because of their low profile, most voters had no idea who you were talking about, but I’m sure Pepsi Co. benefitted from any of the confusion between the Koch Brothers and CocaCola.
On the other hand, there’s Trump. That’s a guy people can hate. Ignoring his business success (which seems consistent with your party’s platform), he definitely epitomizes what you think is wrong with America. Go ahead and stick with class envy. Driving that message home is a sure winner!
CHAPTER 3: AMNESTY TO ALL ILLEGAL, UNDOCUMENTED OR OVER-STAYING-THEIR-VISA RESIDENTS
There is no harm in going full-throttle for legalizing anyone you can. So what if they take jobs away from working class Americans. No illegal is going to be taking away the job of your billionaire, gadfly, financiers that are trying to destroy America’s energy system. So might as well let anyone in.
CHAPTER 4: EMBRACE ‘BLACK LIVES MATTER’
This should be an easy chapter since Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton have handled it so adroitly already. It’s a safe bet to ignore the systemic problems of gang violence, poverty, and failing education; instead, just tell these out-of-control activists what they want to hear. You haven’t shown any willingness to solve the actual problems, so why start now?
CHAPTER 5: OPEN BRANCH OFFICES IN SAN FRANCISCO, SEATTLE, BOSTON AND NEW YORK
Donald Trump has it all wrong, right? He says the politicians in Washington are all stupid and incompetent. But the DNC is right to think he’s got it backwards, since you believe it’s the voters that are stupid and incompetent. The DNC needs to reach out even more to big, liberal cities that have great universities so you can find the best elitists to carry your message. Don’t bother with fly-over America. Stick with what you know – limousine liberals.
Now get out there and start winning hearts and minds!
Best of Luck,
Tea Party Express